so i was reading mora's livejournal and was sorta talking about some stuff that i have been thinking about lately too. so i have decided to write about it.
its mostly about my future. and people's expectations for me.
what did my parents what me to be when i was born? when they found out what talents i had, or my interets? they must have fanticised about something right? i mean i don't have the kind of parents who would have been like "yeah so stella is going to grow up and be a lawyer and be popular and be smart and always have a 4.0 and be the best athlete" or anything like that, they aren't those kind of ppl. but they still must have thought something.
i just feel like i m not the girl that my dad wanted me to be sometimes. i think he wantd me to be dedicated to my drumming. and i should, becuase i know its one of only like 3 things that really takes the weight of his depressing life off his sholders. and i should do it more, because it makes him happy and proud. so y don't i?
my parents don't expect me to get really good grades, thats the pressure i feel from my friends.
i don't even know, but its like theres so many pressures coming from so many places. I ve never been really good at anything.
except music i guess. but its not like i ever get to play.. ppl used to say i had real potential and that i was really good. its not like i ve stopped playing, its just that i don't feel like i play enought... i don't know... it just makes me really sad.
i played soccer form kindergarden to 8th grade, longer than lots of ppl ever played. I always tried hard, and i was never very good. I never made good club teams or even retarted kidsports teams sometimes. i guess i m just not very fast. which is y i never did well when i tired track.
i tried basketball, and even tho people said they were amazed with my height and that i should be good, i wasn't.
i ve play lacrosse, which i guessi m not horrible at, but nothing spectacular.
crew, i was told that i would be good, not excatly...
ugh, i just want to be good at something.
i m not super smart and in any of the smart people classes. I m just an average kid. thats not who i wanted to be. i wanted to be important or mean something.
i just feel liek no matter what i do, i m letting someone down. and i m never good enough for all my friends and family. i make choicies that ruin everything. i want to have a good life, i mean sorta like mora said, i never expected anything rich and famous. and a lot of the jobs i want are simple ones, that would be amazing to have, but aren't like lawyers, and doctors.
i just don't see how stuff like that is even a reality for me.
i have everything set in my mind for how my life should be because that is how my friend's lives are going to be. and i never thought of any other way until recently.
what i want it to
get out of high school
go to the unversity
work in the peace corps
go to grad school
have a good life
and i guess nothing is stopping that from happeneing, but will it happen in the years i want it too? i might have to work before i can go to college because i don't have ANY money for college. i m not talking like "oh i have like 10, 000 or something" i literally have NO money for college. and my parents can't just pay for it like that. my dad could sell his super valuable bass for me to go to school for one year, but thats his most valued possession. i don't want him to have to do that. i mean i know it will all work out.
but i just don't know wahts going to happen to me. my life isn't justlaid in front of me like some peoples are. i can't guarentee anything that is going to happen to me. and i hate that.
i ve relised that i am going to be one of those ppl who dies and is forgotten. my friends that i love so much now won't even all remember me. i want to be someone. who we are now, is going to be a lot like how we'll be 20 years down the road. in some ways. and do i like who i am?
i don't know. i m stopping writting now, thats as deep as sometone like me can go in one sitting. but its a lot to think about.