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so i was reading mora's livejournal and was sorta talking about some… - greetings
November 30th, 2005
03:11 am


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so i was reading mora's livejournal and was sorta talking about some stuff that i have been thinking about lately too. so i have decided to write about it.

its mostly about my future. and people's expectations for me.
what did my parents what me to be when i was born? when they found out what talents i had, or my interets? they must have fanticised about something right? i mean i don't have the kind of parents who would have been like "yeah so stella is going to grow up and be a lawyer and be popular and be smart and always have a 4.0 and be the best athlete" or anything like that, they aren't those kind of ppl. but they still must have thought something.

i just feel like i m not the girl that my dad wanted me to be sometimes. i think he wantd me to be dedicated to my drumming. and i should, becuase i know its one of only like 3 things that really takes the weight of his depressing life off his sholders. and i should do it more, because it makes him happy and proud. so y don't i?
my parents don't expect me to get really good grades, thats the pressure i feel from my friends.

i don't even know, but its like theres so many pressures coming from so many places. I ve never been really good at anything.
except music i guess. but its not like i ever get to play.. ppl used to say i had real potential and that i was really good. its not like i ve stopped playing, its just that i don't feel like i play enought... i don't know... it just makes me really sad.
i played soccer form kindergarden to 8th grade, longer than lots of ppl ever played. I always tried hard, and i was never very good. I never made good club teams or even retarted kidsports teams sometimes. i guess i m just not very fast. which is y i never did well when i tired track.
i tried basketball, and even tho people said they were amazed with my height and that i should be good, i wasn't.
i ve play lacrosse, which i guessi m not horrible at, but nothing spectacular.
crew, i was told that i would be good, not excatly...
ugh, i just want to be good at something.

i m not super smart and in any of the smart people classes. I m just an average kid. thats not who i wanted to be. i wanted to be important or mean something.

i just feel liek no matter what i do, i m letting someone down. and i m never good enough for all my friends and family. i make choicies that ruin everything. i want to have a good life, i mean sorta like mora said, i never expected anything rich and famous. and a lot of the jobs i want are simple ones, that would be amazing to have, but aren't like lawyers, and doctors.
i just don't see how stuff like that is even a reality for me.
i have everything set in my mind for how my life should be because that is how my friend's lives are going to be. and i never thought of any other way until recently.
what i want it to
get out of high school
go to the unversity
work in the peace corps
go to grad school
have a good life
and i guess nothing is stopping that from happeneing, but will it happen in the years i want it too? i might have to work before i can go to college because i don't have ANY money for college. i m not talking like "oh i have like 10, 000 or something" i literally have NO money for college. and my parents can't just pay for it like that. my dad could sell his super valuable bass for me to go to school for one year, but thats his most valued possession. i don't want him to have to do that. i mean i know it will all work out.
but i just don't know wahts going to happen to me. my life isn't justlaid in front of me like some peoples are. i can't guarentee anything that is going to happen to me. and i hate that.
i ve relised that i am going to be one of those ppl who dies and is forgotten. my friends that i love so much now won't even all remember me. i want to be someone. who we are now, is going to be a lot like how we'll be 20 years down the road. in some ways. and do i like who i am?

i don't know. i m stopping writting now, thats as deep as sometone like me can go in one sitting. but its a lot to think about.

Current Mood: awakechill
Current Music: dreams ~The game

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[User Picture]
Date:November 29th, 2005 10:31 pm (UTC)
ok, when i put up that entry i had NO idea how much it would affect EVERYONE. ok, not everyone, but a lot of people. at least one other person has come up to me saying that what i wrote about was exactly what they had been feeling, just didn't put it into words. you've been thinking about it apparantly too. i realy didn't mean to have people examine their lives because of it, but i guess that's what happened and i can't exactly take it back now. but maybe it's not a bad thing.

anyways, this is the collected wisdom i have achieved since that entry.

1) who you are is fine. you don't have to be anything you aren't and no one expects you to. well, that's what people say anyway, that's the right answer, but we know that in society that's not 100% true.

2) to be a great person, you don't have to do something great. by that i mean it doesn't have to go down in history text books or anything like that. just doing one simple act can make you the world in someone's eyes and you may never even know it.

3) don't try to plan everything out. though i got some conflicting views on whether living in the moment is good or not, a lot of people have told me (this is offline too, by the way) that sometimes getting off the path that you think is the best for you, opens up a whole new section of the woods and you never knew was there.

4) most importantly, people will always be there for you. always. it was amazing the support and love that i got in response to my thoughts and it's because of that extreme web of support that you don't have to be anything or anyone if you don't want to. people will always love you no matter who you are and someone, somewhere, will always find a way to reach out a hand to bring you back to your feet.

also, our generation is being called generation perfect. that's what some people are calling us. there were the baby boomers, generation x, and now generation perfect. that's because of the extreme pressure in schools and society for us to get good grades, be the best, do something important. maybe we need to get back to simpler times when having less than a 3.5 GPA meant you could still get in to a top college. when schools actually looked at grades, not a swift glance across the corner of a piece of paper, because 80% of their applicants didn't have a 4.0. when it didn't come down to community service and activities when being considered for a college. something like 39% of students have a 4.0 GPA. that's insane! if you're feeling pressure don't think you're alone. the entire youth of our country is feeling it too.

i'm not pretending like i know what i'm talking about. i'm sure it seems that way but i don't. if i did i wouldn't have put my thoughts to the world, my questions answered only with more questions. but do know that whoever you decide to be and wherever you go, we will always be there for you.

i mean, at this age, if you can't depend on your friends, who can you depend on?
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